It hasn’t gotten any easier. Smiling at this woman who deserves better who truly loves me…yet I feel almost nothing in return.

The honorable thing…the proper thing….would be too leave. But I can’t. I’m stuck. Due to life choices I have very little money of my own. I have about two months of money saved away. I will need more. Right now the plan is to increase the amount I am saving and hopefully within a year I can leave.

Each time she kisses me her lips feel so cold and wet….like a the way a metal swing set feels on a  damp winter morning.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to love her. I try. But then I think….should I have to? Should love just come?

Next year will mark 10 years together. Almost 1/3 of my life. All seems like a waste now. One day I will wake up and we will be no more. What’s the point of it all?

This is my life….in the corner.

I stare at nothing and wonder what’s wrong. Something isn’t right. No idea what it is.

I have my good days…sometimes. My good days tend to coincide with me leaving the house and going to work. When I work…things are good. Going home though.

The drive home…all 10 miles….seems to take forever. Ten miles….14 minutes.

When I open the door the alarm rings in my left ear…..just signaling a door has been opened. That ringing is like a bell and I am a rat. My mood changes.

Unsatisfied. I look at the woman I married almost 5 years ago and wonder what happened. The spark comes back from time to time….always goes out though. It this normal?

I think back to women I’ve dated from the past. Times always seemed better with them. I’m sure it’s because I’ve supressed the bad times. Maybe.

My first real girlfriend…haven’t seen her in years. More than 10 years. Lots of mistakes were made with her. Part of growing up. Wish I could take back some of the things I said and did. Wonder where I would be now?

I know I wouldn’t be in my current job. My current job was only made possible by income from my wife. Heavy price to pay….my dream job yes. The guilt from telling her how I really feel about our marriage is enough to keep me from telling her.

When we married we agreed to not have children. A few years ago we changed our minds. The road hasn’t been easy. It seems the poor, uneducated masses can have babies everyday. Two college educated , middle class people…..problems.

Lately we’ve been trying. I’ve been uninterested. My wife has let her body go. Not as attractive as she used too be. I try and politely let her know that she should eat better and exercise. She doesn’t respond. What am I supposed to do? I can just see her getting pregnant…gaining baby weight….and never losing it. That would just make things worse.

So here I am….feel like I’m sitting in the corner of a dark room watching my life go by.